Introduction
If I wanted to tank my email deliverability, I wouldn’t need a complicated plan. I’d use a similar playbook a lot of other “marketers” already use, only executed with more commitment. Following closely, I’d ensure my communications had no chance of making it into my audience’s primary inbox. When pursued with the utmost vigor, I’d guarantee my emails ended up in the spam folder or worse, rejected by mail box providers altogether. 100%!
The Playbook I’d Use to Tank My Email Deliverability
I’d start off by completely ignoring the trio of email authentication protocols. SPF, DKIM and DMARC would go in the “to-do tomorrow” pile. Only tomorrow would never come. Who has the time to deal with DNS records? You literally have to be a tech wiz to know their meaning and a magician to set them up correctly. I have communications to plan, write and send!
I’d completely skip the process of doing double opt-ins. Why on Earth would I waste a sending credit just to confirm my subscriber’s intent? Why is it my responsibility? Every message I send has an unsubscribe link, doesn’t it? Besides, who wouldn’t want to receive all of my banger content? With fleeting attention spans, why would I want to burden my new subscribers with yet another communication just to confirm what I already know?
If I really wanted to tank my email deliverability quick, I’d make sure to use image-heavy designs with really poor text-to-image ratios. I’d include lots of links, preferably concealed by URL-shortners, with no discernable indication as to where it takes them. I like to think of the final destination to be a lot like receiving a wrapped Christmas gift…it’s a complete surprise! And who doesn’t like surprises?
To reach my goal of tanking my deliverability faster, I wouldn’t use alt-text on images either. Who has the time for that? Why do I need text to tell my audience what the image is about? It’s easy to just load the images with a click of the mouse from their email client, right?
Skipping alt-text isn’t absolute, but adding it would be more of the exception. If I need to get my CTR and open rates back on track, then sure, I’d add them in. But in such cases, I have to make it worth my time. I’d add in some embellishment or slightly misleading text to entice my audience to load the images or click. No big deal, it’s just a small white lie.
I’d make sure my communications have no cadence or natural rhythm. I march to the beat of a different drummer. I’m not worried about volume spikes. That sounds like an ESP and mailbox provider problem to me. My ESP plan affords me a certain amount of sending credits per month. And by golly, I’m going to get all of them in. “Waste not, want not,” I always say.
I’d take a break for several weeks between blasting communications. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, no? The timing would be driven by when I have something to sell or before sending credits expire.
I’d send the same message to every one of my subscribers. The messaging is all about me. Subscribers want to receive marketing communications that are focused on my business. Besides, segmentation and personalization are creepy. It all feels a little too big brother-ish if you ask me. Who has the time to create all the additional copy and versions?
I’d make sure my messages manufactured urgency. FOMO is my modus operandi. What little text I included in my communications, I’d make sure to use questionable words like “Free” and “Last Chance!” I’d use lots of exclamation points to drive the message home. I’d craft my communications with enough spam triggering content so that my messages wouldn’t stand a chance against the filters.
Go Directly to Junk. Do Not Pass Spam Filters, Do Not Collect Conversions.
If I wanted to put my deliverability in the toilet, I’d take a hard pass on list hygiene. Once a subscriber gets into my pipeline, they’re on my list forever! With all of the time, effort and expense put into “building” my list, why would I ever remove them and lower my reach? Why would I spend time and money on hygiene when the end result is a reduction of my audience size? No thank you!
I’d keep sending every available contact, regardless of what’s reported in the feedback loops. If they bounce, they bounce. Shrug. Even if they have never engaged with my communications before, that doesn’t mean they won’t in the future. You miss 100% of the shots you never take. My mantra is that bounces, complaints, and dead addresses are the cost of reach.
And best of all, I can save money while deep-sixing my deliverability by going as cheap as possible. When selecting an ESP, I’d choose a sending plan full of amenities. I’d want “features” like shared IP address pools. I want to be punished along with my noisy neighbors and bad actors. I’d select plans with a low introductory offer only to ramp-up rapidly when adding more subscribers. ESPs that double count email addresses appearing in multiple segments is especially desirable.
I’d make sure to get in on the lowest tier possible. Proudly displaying an ad for my ESP in the footer is totally worth it. Especially when I’m given a deep discount relative to the higher tier plans. Sure, it erodes my branding and impacts my CTA. I’m sure it signals that my business lacks technical maturity and that I’m running on a shoestring budget here. But hey, who can blame me for being frugal?
Summary
If I really wanted to tank my email deliverability, I’d buy, rent and scrape email addresses to build my list fast. I’d automatically opt-in users to receive my newsletters. I wouldn’t concern myself with double opt-ins. I’d design my emails to be image heavy with sparse sections of text. I’d include lots of links, preferably with a shortened URL to conceal where the link is taking them. I’d send large blasts out to my entire audience with irregular send patterns.
I wouldn’t waste time segmenting or personalizing my communications; everyone gets the same copy and creative. I’d make sure my emails just promoted my business and provided little to no value to my subscribers. I’d make sure to crank the urgency to 10, creating maximum pressure to act now. Selling is tough and most would just succumb to analysis paralysis without receiving a push in the right direction. To cut my expenses ruthlessly, I’d go with the cheapest ESP possible, leveraging their shared IPs. I’d proudly announce my thriftiness as indicated by the ESP’s branding stamped in the footer of every message sent out.
If I didn’t want to tank my email deliverability, I’d check out Email Deiliverability: 10 Steps to Achieve the Best Results for guidance on what to do instead.